Mera zamiir… aksar chup hojata hai aisa lagta hai k meri kuch mujh hi se doori hai. Ek khalah, viraan dimaagh aur viraan soch, ek khalbali bhi hai mere saath magar mera dimaagh itna maauf hojata hai k mai ye malum nai karsakta k kis chz ki khalbali hai? kis chz ki talaash hai mujhe? Kia chiz mujhe apni taraf itni zor se kheench rai hai? k jis ki taraf khincha b chala jata hu aur main us ki jaanib jana b nai chahta. Q apnai hi sawaalo ko daba k betha hu? Shayad isliye k me ye soch chukka hu k jawab hai hi nahi, ya shayad is liye k mujhe khof hai k jawab itna sakht or karakht hoga k mai saamna hi naa kar paaun ga, ya shayad us sawal k baad mujhe khud se chin janai ka darr hai…
Mujhe jo laga ye sub isliye ho raha hai k koi hum se chup k se barai dard se sawaal puchta hai, magar wo puchta maire lashaoor se hai jis ka asar bht gehra hota hai maire shaoor par. Wo “koi” meri matti hai, mera mulk hai. Jis ki mai sirf tab tareef karta hu jab mujhai us se kuch faidaa hota hai. Jab meri baari aati hai faida pohnchaanai ki to yaa to mai apne hi farz se haar manjata hu, ya apne hi mulk ko bura kehne lag jata hu. Jo gehra asar mere shaoor pe par chuka hai wo meri khud gharzi hai. Jis ko mera baahar to maannai se inkar karta hai magar mera andar shayad abhi b koi dil wala hai. Jise lagta hai shayad me abhi b andar ki koi baat sun lunga. Wo sirf baar baar apni arzi daalta hai mere samnai. Me kuch dair k lie us ki baat sunta hun sochta hu both kuch karnai ka, Us k lie jis ne hamesha mere lie kia hai, kabhi mana nai kia, kabhi mujhe ruswa nai kia. Bohat tarekai sochta hu us k lie kuch karnai k bohat saleeqai sochta hu us ko nibhanai k. Magar me aisa tab hi karta hu jab mjhe koi bara dachkaa lagta hai jab koi bari aafat mere bilkul paas se guzar k ye batati hui chali jati hai k shayad agli baar me paas se naa guzar paau, Shayad agli baar me tujh pe hi aa k ruk jaun. Yaa yun kehlo k mujhe choti moti awaaz sunai nai daiti har baar mujhe koi dhamaka hi jagata hai meri neend se. Ya ye samajhlo k mai zameer baich k soya hua rehta hun. Mjhe is baat se koi farq hi nai parta k ek pal pehle jo chiz meri thei, mujh se boht kareeb thi wo ab mere paas nai hai.. kabhi wo chiz mera koi jannai wala, koi aziz hota hai, kabhi wo me khud hota hun, kabhi mera waqaar to kabhi meri anaa, meri izzat hoti hai, kabhi mere aas paas kai logo ki hassi hoti hai aur aksar mere apne aansu hotai hai jo ab meri aankhon mai nai hain, q k ab mai itna andha hogaya hun k kisi ka dukh dard na nazar aata hai, na hi us ka ehsaas hota hai. Or phir me jab jaagta hu, kuch karnai ki thaanta hu or sochta hu k aarai aanai wali har chiz ka muqabla karu gaa saamna karuun ga. Har us darr ko, har us sawal ko apnai andar se khatam kardunga jis k jawab k talash mai mene ek insaan ki zindagi guzaarna chordi hai. Jis ki wajah se apne hi aap me jaari jang sahai jaa raha hu. Jis ki waja se mai apne aap se hi larta hu or khafa hojata hu. Magar us waqt tak mai wo saarai tareekai or saleeqai jo sochai thai bhul chukka hota hun. Wo taqat khatm kar chuka hota hu jo maine apne lie, apne mulk k lie, kuch karnai k liai jori thi. Wo sub me bhool kar kuch karnai se pehle hi apne aap mai mast ho kar, ANDHON ki tarha ANDHON k hi peechai chal parta hu…..
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